CDC Tracking Gingivitis Outbreak. Listerine Likely Culprit, Government Declares

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced Monday that it is closely monitoring a gingivitis outbreak that has its epicenter in Michigan. The outbreak has prompted an urgent investigation, or at least a pretense of an investigation, into its origins.

Federal investigators have declared that Listerine, the popular mouthwash brand, is the likely culprit behind the outbreak. “We have reason to believe that Listerine developed a formula to spark the onslaught of gingivitis cases,” stated a government spokesperson. “While we cannot confirm this definitively, we don’t really care. The evidence will say what we want it to say.”

Listerine is the biggest beneficiary of this outbreak. With more people experiencing gum issues, sales of mouthwash have skyrocketed. “It’s a classic case of creating a problem and then selling the solution,” remarked one industry analyst. “Listerine’s sales figures will go through the roof, and they couldn’t be happier.”

Hoping to get more rich, business mogul Kevin O’Leary, known for his sharp wit and business acumen, weighed in on the controversy. “This is brilliant,” O’Leary stated. “If I could get away with it, I’d release bats en masse just so I could be called ‘Batman.’ But seriously, this is a masterstroke in marketing, intentional or not.”

The public reaction has been mixed. Some are outraged at the possibility of a trusted brand being behind a health crisis, while others are amused by the absurdity of the situation. Social media is abuzz with memes and jokes, with hashtags like #GingivitisGate and #ListerineLies trending.