Trump, Biden Likely Brothers, Concludes (Quack) Family Therapist

With an unusual and perhaps negligent degree of confidence, a Wisconsin therapist, likely a quack, has put forth a groundbreaking revelation: Donald Trump and Joe Biden are brothers. The evidence? Their incessant bickering over politics and an uncanny ability to never actually throw a punch.

The therapist, armed with years of experience, has observed that Trump and Biden’s political arguments are not just passionate—they’re personal. “Their ability to argue about the same political issues with such fervor and yet never reach a resolution is a clear sign of a sibling dynamic,” the therapist notes with confidence. “They have the unique talent of turning every political discussion into a circular debate, reminiscent of brothers locked in an eternal struggle for one-upmanship.”

Moreover, it’s a well-known fact that only true siblings can argue about politics with such passion and yet so little progress. Trump and Biden’s heated debates over who should run the country have all the hallmarks of a sibling rivalry. The therapist notes, “The arguments are as repetitive as the news on inflation: it just gets worse.”

Despite their best efforts to disagree on everything, the presidential duo have never come to blows. This, the therapist asserts, is because deep down, they know they share the same blood. “It’s a classic case of sibling non-violence,” the therapist explains. “They’d destroy a Thanksgiving dinner table with their words, but never with their fists.”

The therapist speculates that a mix-up at the hospital might be at the root of this familial mystery. “It’s the only explanation,” they say with unwavering confidence. “Somewhere between the nursery and the Trump household, Biden, the older brother, got switched. It’s a tale as old as time, or at least as old as hospital administration errors.”