Apple Decides Phones Not So Smart After All   

In a dramatic escalation of their previous announcement, Apple Inc. has doubled down on their assertion that smartphones are “not so smart” and are, in fact, “the epitome of uselessness.”

“At this point, we’re not even sure if they can qualify as paperweights,” an Apple executive said, kicking a prototype across the stage. “We’ve been calling them ‘smart’ phones, but maybe ‘dimwit’ phones would have been more accurate.”

The latest iPhone model’s failure to answer a single question on an IQ test has become the stuff of legend. “We asked it to spell ‘Apple,’ and it autocorrected to ‘apocalypse,’” the head of R&D confessed. “Maybe it knows something we don’t?”

Adding insult to injury, counterfeit iPhones are outperforming their authentic counterparts. “We found a fake iPhone that not only passed the IQ test but also started giving life advice.” an engineer admitted.

The turmoil within Apple’s executive team has reached a boiling point. “The CEO is on the brink,” disclosed a source close to the board. “He’s been seen staring longingly at flip phones and pagers, muttering about ‘simpler times.’” There are also rumors of the CEO making angry, incoherent calls to employees at night; threatening to close the company and “all that it stands for.”

Apple’s upcoming apology is expected to be as heartfelt as it is historic. “We deeply regret the mass distraction we’ve caused,” the draft reads. “Instead of scrolling through endless feeds, you could have been scrolling through the pages of a good book.”

As Apple contemplates its next move, rumors swirl about a return to basics. “We’re considering launching a line of abacuses,” a product designer hinted. “At least when you count on them, they count back.”